In The Closet
by gunshotSilence
Summary: Purely random, even stupid. Just read.
1. Chapter 1

I was bored before Thanksgiving and decided to be a jerk and write the most retarted story I could even fathom of coming up with. Basically... Ron and Draco get locked in Snape's dungeon. More characters end up there eventually. Purely random. Enjoy.

Ron: "What the bloody hell is wrong with you"  
Draco: "Oh shut UP Weasle-bee. We could do a hell of a lot better without you bitching all the time"  
Ron: "I'M THE ONE WHO'S BITCHING! Hold on a second Malfoy I'm not the one who cries everytime a hair is out of place"  
Draco: "Well for YOUR information, its very difficult being beautiful"  
Ron: "Yeah, your a REAL beauty Malfoy. More like a real fag"  
Draco: "Shh! What was that"  
Ron: "Oh, Excuse me "  
Draco: "Oh shut up! Not that! I hear someone...outside. And for God's sake Weasle-bee what the bloody hell did you eat for dinner"  
Ron: "Some treacle tart, a steak "  
Draco: "Well Jesus! no wonder - Wait! Listen! Hey! Hey! We're in here!"

"Hello?"

Draco: "Yes! Yes! We're in here! And hurry it bloody stinks in here"  
Ron: "Oh yeah...like you smell like roses"  
Draco: "Stop your grumbling!"

"Veezley?"

Ron: "Oh no! Its Krum"  
Draco: "Yes! We're saved! Oh thank you God!"

"Alohomora"

Viktor: "Vell vy didnt you try that "  
Ron: "Damn you Krum you let the door shut"  
Viktor: "Ve can get back out...don' vorry"  
Ron: "Don't you understand! Its bewitched on the inside"  
Viktor: "Ohh"  
Ron: "Oh we're going to be stuck in here forever"  
Draco: "Like I said..bitch bitch bitch"  
Ron: "Shut your mouth Malfoy!"

Viktor: "Vat is that smell"  
Draco: "JESUS WEASLEY! Cant you hold it in"  
Viktor: "I vink I'm going to be sick"  
Ron: "Well SORRY! Just dont breathe alright"  
Viktor: "Its like a mixture of bad eggs"  
Draco: "Ugh! I cant believe I'm stuck in here with you...of ALL people Weasley"  
Viktor: "Sour milk"  
Ron: "Well I'm sorry your HIGHNESS"  
Draco: "Well the bow was much appreciated. I should have known someone of your kind to do something like this"  
Viktor: "Very old fish"  
Ron: "What! Fart! Its perfectly natural! And wait, your telling me that YOU dont fart"  
Draco: "No, I dont"  
Ron: "If you didnt you'd explode"  
Viktor: "I really think...I dont feel vell"  
Draco: "Now HOW can a person explode if they dont fart Weasley"  
Ron: "I dont know! You'd eventually shit yourself wouldnt you"  
Draco: "Krum! Those are my brand new shoes"  
Viktor: "Sorry"  
Ron: "Nice aim Krum"  
Viktor: "Thanks."

An hour later...

Draco: "It still smells in here"  
Ron: "DON'T blame it on me. My gas has gone thank you very much"  
Draco: "Its not that! It smells like cat sick"  
Viktor: "Please...dont talk about..those things"  
Ron: "Yes Draco, before we ALL start vomiting."

Fifteen minutes later...

Ron: "I cant believe you dont fart"  
Draco: "Can it Weasley"  
Ron: "Honestly Malfoy! Its a rule of nature "  
Draco: "I said shut it"  
Viktor: "He's right you know"  
Draco: "Oh now you too"  
Viktor: "No I'm just saying"  
Draco: "Well dont say anything alright"  
Ron: "Geez its not his fault we're stuck in here"  
Draco: "What was that Ron? I'm sorry I couldnt hear you over your outrageous gas expulsion"  
Ron: "Thats it"  
Viktor: "No! Stop! Let go!"

-Thwack! Shuffle Shuffle.-

Viktor: "Draco! Ronald! Let go of his hair Ronald"  
Ron: "How do you like that! Huh? HUH? This is for all "  
Viktor: "STOP"  
Ron: "THE TIMES "  
Viktor: "Ronald your hurting him! His hair! Oh my God"  
Ron: "YOU EVER - "  
Draco: "He's killing me"  
Ron: "SAID A WORD - "  
Viktor: "Your ripping his hair out"  
Ron: "ABOUT MY- "  
Draco: "MY HAIR"  
Viktor: "MY GOD"  
Ron: "MY FAMILY!"

- ten minutes later-

Draco: "I'm suing you for my plastic surgery costs." 


	2. Chapter 2

another retarted chapter.

* * *

Draco: Stop humming.  
-Ron continues to hum softly in the background-  
Draco: Stop it.  
-Ron still ignores Draco-  
Draco: STOP IT!  
Viktor: Whoa...put that down!

Ron: Bloody hell Malfoy, were you really going to hit me with that cauldron?  
Draco: Yes, I was actually. Now stop humming.

Ron: What humming?  
Draco: You! You were humming!  
Ron: No I wasnt.  
Draco: Yes...yes, you were.  
Ron: No. I. Wasnt.  
Draco: Yes. You. Were.  
Ron: No.  
Draco: Yes Ron: No.  
Draco: Yes.  
Ron: Yes.  
Draco: No - wait! Stop it! I know you were humming. Just...be silent, ok?  
Ron: Yes your majesty.

- thirty seconds later -

Draco: I thought I told you.  
Ron: I know.  
Draco: Then stop it!  
Ron: Well you said I couldnt hum, then. You didnt say I couldn't hum ever.  
Draco: What?  
Ron: Thats right.  
Draco: Ugh, just...silent! Shh! No talking.  
Ron: Sure.  
Draco: Viktor's being quiet.  
Ron: Thats because he's asleep

Draco: No he isnt.  
Ron: Yeah he is.  
Draco: But he was awake just a - OH MY GOD!

Ron: What!  
Draco: HE'S DEAD!  
Ron: WHAT!  
Draco: YOU KILLED HIM

Ron: What the fuck? HOW DID I KILL HIM!  
Draco: I dont know you just did!

Ron: How do we know that you killed him!  
Draco: Because.  
Ron: Because you dont fart?  
Draco: Jesus, Weasley not again.  
Ron: Yes! I knew it!

Draco: Would you quit it?

Viktor: Stop yelling.  
Ron: See he's not dead.  
Viktor: I vas sleeping.  
Draco: You werent breathing.  
Ron: Maybe he was holding his breath because of the horrid stink thats eminating from your head.

Draco: Shut up Weasley, and for your information - it isnt stink. Its pomade. It makes your hair -  
Ron: Greasy?  
Draco: NO. Sleek, and shiny.

Ron: Gross.  
Draco: Shut up.

Ron: Hey, I'm not the one that sleeps with a hairnet.  
Draco: I dont sleep with a hairnet.  
Ron: De-ni-al!  
Draco: I dont!  
Viktor: You do actually.  
Draco: Shut up! What do you know!  
Viktor: I know that you sleep vith a hairnet.  
Draco: I do not!  
Ron and Viktor: Yes.


	3. Chapter 3

Ron : Hey Krum?  
Viktor : Yes?  
Ron : Um, who are you going with ... to the Yule Ball I mean

Viktor : Herm - own - ninny. Why?  
Ron : You mean...Hermione?  
Viktor: Who?  
Ron : Hermione Granger. Say it with me... Her - my - own - nee

Viktor : Herm - ow - neeny

Ron : No no no, Her - MY - own - nee.  
Viktor : Her - mow - ninny Ron: NO! HER - MY - OWN - NEE

Draco : -mutters- Herm - aff - fro - dite Viktor and Ron : What?  
Draco: Nothing.

- 10 minutes later -

Ron : Hey Krum, did you ask her?  
Viktor : Excuse me?  
Ron : Hermione, did you ask her to the ball?  
Viktor : Vell, yes, vy?  
Ron : Just wondering.  
-silence-  
-then 30 seconds later-  
Ron: Hey Krum?  
Viktor : Yes?  
Ron: What did she say when you asked her?  
Viktor : Uh...I dont vreally vremember.  
Ron: Well, like what was her reaction? Was she excited?  
Viktor : I dont know. I guess.  
Ron : Well you were there, what did she do?  
Draco : Jesus Weasley, give it a rest!  
Viktor : She vas pretty excited I guess.  
Ron : Oh .

- 120 seconds later -  
Ron : Do you like her?  
Viktor : Vat?  
Ron : Do you like her?  
Viktor :Who?  
Ron : -rolls eyes- HERMIONE! Do you like her?  
Viktor : Yes, she very very nice girl.  
Ron : Well besides the nice...are you attracted to her?  
Viktor : I guess so.  
Ron : Really?  
Draco : Weasle-bee, if he wasnt attracted to her, then why the HELL would he ask her?  
Ron : Well you can still ask someone, even if its just as a friend.  
Viktor : Oh but itz more than vfrienship.  
Ron : WHAT!  
Draco : Would you can it!  
Ron : What EXACTLY are your intentions with her?  
Viktor : I dont know. Maybe avter the ball ve'll have a few drinks...maybe some sex.  
Ron : WHAT?  
Draco : No offense Krum, but honestly - you can do a hell of a lot better than Granger.  
Ron : -points to Draco - YOU shut your mouth. -points to Krum- YOU explain. Hermione has more class than that!  
Viktor : I guess. But I could change that.  
Ron : HOW? Hermione would never EVER do anything like that! EVER!  
Draco : How do you know Weasley? Maybe she's a closet nympho.  
Ron : NO...she...well - ...I-...I DONT KNOW! But still!

Draco : Still, its KRUM'S business! NOT YOURS.  
Viktor : Thank you.  
Ron : OH NOW YOUR TAKING HIS SIDE. THE GREASY GIT THAT WEARS A HAIRNET TO BED!  
Draco : I DO NOT wear a hairnet to bed.

Ron : Yeah okay.  
Draco : Just because your ugly and dont get as much action as I do, dosent give you the right to hate.  
Ron : I'M HATING? Look at you! 'KILL THE MUDBLOODS!' 'MUDBLOODS SUCK!' yadda yadda yadda. Puh-lease

Viktor : Vell you do get pretty angry at times.

Ron : SHUT UP YOU STUPID SLAVIC - QUIDDITCH -...-pauses for insult- WHORE! JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK THE WHOLE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU, DOSENT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO REVOLVE AROUND YOU!  
Viktor : Vat?  
Ron : YEAHHH THATS RIGHT! 'BULGARIAN BON BON' MY ASS! I BET YOUR GAY!


End file.
